From a towel to a pillow

My first project :)

There is no stuffing in it yet, but soon there will be. I was actually pretty proud of myself for this. All I have done thus far with my sewing machine is patch some pants so this was fun to make. :)

It was the only towel of its kind that we had so it didn't fit well in the bathroom with two towel racks so this idea came it me.

So, for this second month Proverbs 31:13, 21 & 22 state, "She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing...She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear...She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks".

So this is my task for the month. Along with continueing to master the last months. Need lots of work on that....

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AHHH!

This is sooo HARD!!!

Lord, Please help me do this! I want to be more gracious and let things slide more. WHY CAN'T I??? Please help me. I love my husband and I know he is not a jerk but why can't I let things go sometimes? I feel that I am not heard by him. But I have felt this from the beginning. I just wish that he would learn to talk to me in a more loving way. There's my issue though and I know it, I'm focused on him changing. I can only control myself. I can't always share how I think he should change. What mostly comes out is pain which comes out as anger. I get hurt easily and my natural instinct is to fight. I so desire to be able to stop and process what I am triggered by instead of quickly reacting. I have been working on this for 3 years now. Why can;t I get it!???? I sometimes feel like I get it yet other times I feel like I'm right back to the beginning.

Also I wish Joel would just understand why I do this, but he is hurt by all of this and that makes it hard for him to be sympathetic to me. He is so hurt sometimes that I feel that I have just done enough, I ruined everything.

So I just need to focus on myself. How can I change, what can I do to treat Joel better? How can I let go of my feelings for the sake of lifting him up as a person instead of sharing my feelings of hurt which just makes him feel like he can never do anything right. AHHHH! Such a mess.

Help me Lord! It's only with you that I can do this.

Thank you!

My Birthday

So I figured out my ultimate sensitive area. My birthday for some reason is very important to me. My sister and I always thought too highly of our birthdays and we were always disappointed. It was probably because of the family we grew up in. It wasn't always smooth and especially since our birthdays are near Christmas, there was a lot of stress during that time.

Well not being spiteful is hard when you have such high expectations that you are just waiting to be knocked down. A few years ago i was disappointed that Joel didn't have a cake for me, last year I was upset that he decided to do dinner after my bible study instead of before because "He Knows I get tired around 10:00." SO i really sound like a spoiled brat right about now. But for real I believe its not actually about these petty things. I believe there is another trigger creeping up from all of this. I think its the fact that growing up I could never tell what was going to come, how I was going to be treated and how to prepare myself. So this leaves a kid feeling vulnerable and this usually leads to either withdrawal or defensiveness. I believe I chose the first when i was younger but as I matured I inherited what the rest of my family chose, defensiveness. I had some great teachers. (Sorry for the sarcasm).

So on my birthday I believe my sister and I developed this thought that this was OUR DAY! And I believe we had the idea that we could MAYBE control it, determine what happens during it and how to react to it. Well guess what, that is impossible as you can assume. Two weeks ago Joel took my to a concert for my birthday and tonight he gave me my other gift which was Donkey Kong Country for the Wii! So fun! ... Ok so it was a great night.

We went to bed happy then started talking about work stuff and he informed me that he had missions trip interviews on my birthday, I was pretty upset right away. What went through my mind is, "He doesn't care about me if he would make plans like that on the night of my birthday." Well I didn't come out too nice. I mean I didn't come out screaming which I probably would have a few years ago, but I was definitely not nice. I said "why would you do that? I would never plan something on your birthday? What time will you be home? 7:00, well that only gives us a 3 hours before we go to bed. What do I do, just wait around for you, sitting on the couch alone?" Haha, sounds classic ha. SO with this response Joel felt hurt and felt that nothing is ever good enough for me. He felt also that I didn't respect him in his job. So of course he comes out with defensiveness too and the crazy cycle begins ("Love and Respect" reference). Eventually Joel spilled that he had planned to cook me dinner when he got home. Thats when my guilt set in. Man I felt horrible, still do, a little better now though now that I'm writing and processing it all. I felt so horrible. I ruined it for myself! Joel didn't ruin anything, it was me. I just to conclusions that he didn't care about me or my birthday. So in that I was spiteful and wanted him to know how much i was hurt.

Tonight I felt like a failure. One of the biggest things I need to understand and not get down on myself is that God is going to continue to work with me on these aspects of the "perfect wife" for awhile. I have to remind myself I don't have to get it perfectly by the end of the month. I am still a better wife by trying hard and seeking God to teach me and grow me.

Joel and I talked through this stuff a bit. Well I cried through it he listened. Then I came out to write and then he came out shortly after to see what I was up to. I was able to read the top half to him and explain to him why I am this way. It was good to be able to process and explain to him clearly what is going on in me. Writing was always easier than talking for me.

Well thanks for reading. I'm off to bed, again. With out fighting.