From a towel to a pillow

My first project :)

There is no stuffing in it yet, but soon there will be. I was actually pretty proud of myself for this. All I have done thus far with my sewing machine is patch some pants so this was fun to make. :)

It was the only towel of its kind that we had so it didn't fit well in the bathroom with two towel racks so this idea came it me.

So, for this second month Proverbs 31:13, 21 & 22 state, "She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing...She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear...She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks".

So this is my task for the month. Along with continueing to master the last months. Need lots of work on that....

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AHHH!

This is sooo HARD!!!

Lord, Please help me do this! I want to be more gracious and let things slide more. WHY CAN'T I??? Please help me. I love my husband and I know he is not a jerk but why can't I let things go sometimes? I feel that I am not heard by him. But I have felt this from the beginning. I just wish that he would learn to talk to me in a more loving way. There's my issue though and I know it, I'm focused on him changing. I can only control myself. I can't always share how I think he should change. What mostly comes out is pain which comes out as anger. I get hurt easily and my natural instinct is to fight. I so desire to be able to stop and process what I am triggered by instead of quickly reacting. I have been working on this for 3 years now. Why can;t I get it!???? I sometimes feel like I get it yet other times I feel like I'm right back to the beginning.

Also I wish Joel would just understand why I do this, but he is hurt by all of this and that makes it hard for him to be sympathetic to me. He is so hurt sometimes that I feel that I have just done enough, I ruined everything.

So I just need to focus on myself. How can I change, what can I do to treat Joel better? How can I let go of my feelings for the sake of lifting him up as a person instead of sharing my feelings of hurt which just makes him feel like he can never do anything right. AHHHH! Such a mess.

Help me Lord! It's only with you that I can do this.

Thank you!

My Birthday

So I figured out my ultimate sensitive area. My birthday for some reason is very important to me. My sister and I always thought too highly of our birthdays and we were always disappointed. It was probably because of the family we grew up in. It wasn't always smooth and especially since our birthdays are near Christmas, there was a lot of stress during that time.

Well not being spiteful is hard when you have such high expectations that you are just waiting to be knocked down. A few years ago i was disappointed that Joel didn't have a cake for me, last year I was upset that he decided to do dinner after my bible study instead of before because "He Knows I get tired around 10:00." SO i really sound like a spoiled brat right about now. But for real I believe its not actually about these petty things. I believe there is another trigger creeping up from all of this. I think its the fact that growing up I could never tell what was going to come, how I was going to be treated and how to prepare myself. So this leaves a kid feeling vulnerable and this usually leads to either withdrawal or defensiveness. I believe I chose the first when i was younger but as I matured I inherited what the rest of my family chose, defensiveness. I had some great teachers. (Sorry for the sarcasm).

So on my birthday I believe my sister and I developed this thought that this was OUR DAY! And I believe we had the idea that we could MAYBE control it, determine what happens during it and how to react to it. Well guess what, that is impossible as you can assume. Two weeks ago Joel took my to a concert for my birthday and tonight he gave me my other gift which was Donkey Kong Country for the Wii! So fun! ... Ok so it was a great night.

We went to bed happy then started talking about work stuff and he informed me that he had missions trip interviews on my birthday, I was pretty upset right away. What went through my mind is, "He doesn't care about me if he would make plans like that on the night of my birthday." Well I didn't come out too nice. I mean I didn't come out screaming which I probably would have a few years ago, but I was definitely not nice. I said "why would you do that? I would never plan something on your birthday? What time will you be home? 7:00, well that only gives us a 3 hours before we go to bed. What do I do, just wait around for you, sitting on the couch alone?" Haha, sounds classic ha. SO with this response Joel felt hurt and felt that nothing is ever good enough for me. He felt also that I didn't respect him in his job. So of course he comes out with defensiveness too and the crazy cycle begins ("Love and Respect" reference). Eventually Joel spilled that he had planned to cook me dinner when he got home. Thats when my guilt set in. Man I felt horrible, still do, a little better now though now that I'm writing and processing it all. I felt so horrible. I ruined it for myself! Joel didn't ruin anything, it was me. I just to conclusions that he didn't care about me or my birthday. So in that I was spiteful and wanted him to know how much i was hurt.

Tonight I felt like a failure. One of the biggest things I need to understand and not get down on myself is that God is going to continue to work with me on these aspects of the "perfect wife" for awhile. I have to remind myself I don't have to get it perfectly by the end of the month. I am still a better wife by trying hard and seeking God to teach me and grow me.

Joel and I talked through this stuff a bit. Well I cried through it he listened. Then I came out to write and then he came out shortly after to see what I was up to. I was able to read the top half to him and explain to him why I am this way. It was good to be able to process and explain to him clearly what is going on in me. Writing was always easier than talking for me.

Well thanks for reading. I'm off to bed, again. With out fighting.

Daily living

I started a Bible reading plan today. It should be good for me. I am very bad at making goals for myself. More so I dispise it usually. I love to live freely with out restraints so God can lead me, but I am starting to realize that I need to make goals for him to lead me. How awesome is that. He would love me enough to teach me this.

So I started day 1. Genesis 1, Matthew 1, Ezra 1, and Acts 1. Not too bad.

As far as its been going with not being spiteful, God has really been stretching me. It's has been great. Because I have some thing.to focus on, it easy for me to remember in the moment of intense feelings, that I don't want to be spiteful. And I'm this I can tell myself to calm down and realize ultimately my husband is not against me. It's super hard most of the time and I keep fighting back sometimes, but at least the thoughts are there. Soon they will penetrate my heart enough to over ride my triggers. To over ride the fighter in me. To over ride my defence mechanisms.

So that's where I'm at.
Thank you for reading.

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Never Spiteful

Never spiteful, she treats him generously 
   all her life long.


Spite:–noun

1.

a malicious, usually petty, desire to harm, annoy, frustrate,or humiliate another person; bitter ill will; malice.

2.

a particular instance of such an attitude or action; grudge.

3.

Obsolete . something that causes vexation; annoyance.

–verb (used with object)

4.

to treat with spite or malice.

5.

to annoy or thwart, out of spite.

6.

to fill with spite; vex; offend.

It's interesting that the writer first focus' on the woman never being spiteful. This is at the heart of a relationship between a man and a woman. If a woman is spiteful towards her husband then she is not respecting him. If she is not respecting him he does not feel loved. Wow, already I can tell this is going to be a great journey. 

Haha, I didn't realize I would be starting out with the hardest one out of this whole list. 

I mean I don't consciously think to myself that I'm going to be spiteful, but I have moments when I'm not very pleasant and I am spiteful. I do desire harm when i fight with my husband, I do hold a grudge sometimes and I certainly do struggle with bitterness. 

Man, this is some really heavy stuff. Ok I'll contemplate this for now and I will write more later with some verses I can find about how to adjust my attitude. 

Also can you please pray.... I feel things have been weird the last week with my husband and I, I don't know why. Please pray that God would work it out. 

Thank you! 

Goal Setting in place... Ready, set, let go....

So, I've been overwhelming myself. I want so badly to be this woman of Prov. 31 but I have not set out attainable goals for myself. I have just bottled up all the things this woman is. I am a bottle and I have all that this is stored up in my head and in my heart and I feel its just a jumble inside of me and when I shake myself up an explosion of random pieces of what I want to be come out of me.

Haha, does this make sense to anyone?

I just feel so attacked lately. Satan is trying to tear this desire out of me and God is using it to teach me, strengthen me and form me. I'm learning a lot through it, yet I feel I need to be more organized with this goal.

It's already a passion, God knows I desire to have him mold me, yet I know I need to make small steps instead of taking on everything and then just wallowing in the feeling of failure.

So hear it is....

Proverbs 31 (The Message)

Hymn to a Good Wife

 ^10-31 A good woman is hard to find, 
   and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve, 
   and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously 
   all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, 
   and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places 
   and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast 
   for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it, 
   then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, 
   rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work, 
   is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, 
   diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need, 
   reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; 
   their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing, 
   and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected 
   when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them, 
   brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant, 
   and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, 
   and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, 
   and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her; 
   her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things, 
   but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. 
   The woman to be admired and praised 
   is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves! 
   Festoon her life with praises!


Ok 12 things are highlighted in these passages (the lime green ones go together). My goal is to focus on one at a time. I will commit to focus on one highlighted section a month. So that means a year from now I will have tried to focus on each section, each quality that I strive to have. How amazing that it is exactly a year. :) I believe God will really use this to teach me. Patience will be one of them. Confidence another. And this will definitely form my heart. It will also allow me to focus on what I am going to write and to keep track of my thoughts and what God is doing in my heart. :) 


Wish me luck.... better yet... Pray for me! :) 


(Just to let you all into my personality, I am not usually a goal setter, but this feels so right.)

How to Submit to your husband

I like the way this woman puts it.... 

1. The first step to submitting to your husband is to first submit to God. If your motivation is to please your husband- what happens if he does not respond as quickly as you would like or the way you would like? This step, total submission to God, will give you the proper motivation- you are doing this to please God not your spouse. James 4:6-7 says, "But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble." 7Therefore submit to God."
By humbling yourself before God, you surrender (submit) your life to Him.

1

2

God created the hierarchy of the home as follows: Christ, husband, wife, children. When this order is out of whack, chaos follows. The husband must look to Christ for guidance and instruction. (Notice that he also must submit to the will of God- not just the wife.) Ephesians 5:22-24 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is head of the wife, as Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." The wife must look to the husband with respect. Now this one passage scares most women into thinking that she must do whatever her husband says, even if it goes against every fiber in her being and without question. It also has caused some husbands to be overbearing, demanding, and just plain mean when they read it. But, if you read ahead a bit it says that "husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself."(Ephesians 5:28). Throughout the bible there are references on how a husband should love his wife- not abuse her.

3

Another important step is your attitude. Biblical submission has so much to do with your attitude. For example, let's say my husband has a "wonderful" idea to make money... he's going to quit his job and sell palm trees for a living (I live in East Texas). Option 1: I say to myself , "OK, I will submit like a good wife, but I am going to make sure that he knows how stupid I think he and his idea are". In this option I am not really submitting to my husband, or to God for that matter. If the idea fails I will have an "I told you so" attitude and no one will be happy- not me, not hubby, and not God. Option 2: I say to myself, "OK, Lord, our lives are in your hands. I pray that you help me be supportive, helpful and loving. Give my husband clarity and discernment as he is trying to better our lives" With this option, I realize that God is in control and he will provide for us as he always does. No matter what the outcome, I am blessed, hubby is happy and God is pleased.

4

Now as I said in the beginning, this is not easy. But Christ never said His way was easy- He only said that he would always be with you. Keep working at it- your attitude, your prayers- and you will begin to see a difference in your marriage, your home and your life. One step closer to the Proverbs 31 woman!

Read more: How to Submit to your husband- biblically | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4845188_submit-husband-biblically.html#ixzz15Ib0huHM

Where have I been?

Where have I been? Why haven't I written. I have been asking myself that too. The last few weeks have been weird. I mean I just feel things are changing. I guess I still don't do well with change. I mean I like it but it makes me all weird at first. It makes me distracted and contemplative. My mistake though is not going to God with it. I took this challenge seriously, yet if I am really serious about it. I will commit to consistently coming to Christ in prayer and listening to His leading. Ahhh... Why do I forget this part so many times. I just continue to think I can do it on my own. Guess what it never works! Haha... or at least it doesn't work for long.

I have been trying to serve my husband more with my acts of service since that is how he receives love, yet God is trying to grow me in this area when I don't feel like I did enough or did things good enough. Yes I struggle with this too and I'm sure I'm not the only one. That is one of my biggest insecurities and as I'm writing this I'm realizing that this is why God put me with my husband who receives love this way and put me with him to teach him a language unlike his, words of affirmation. We have become much better at loving each other in these ways that are foreign to us yet have a long way to go.

If you haven't read this book you should, "The 5 Love Languages" Its great!

I know my thoughts have been all over the place tonight. Sorry! :)

So goal for this week. Be with God more and write more.

The first day of my journey...

Well, God is definitely taking this decision I made seriously and is already teaching me a lot. I am married to a Youth Pastor and I myself serve in a separate ministry. We both work with youth so we can relate with each other when we come home and talk about our days, yet we still don't know "everything" about each others ministries and we aren't able to minister together that often.

When I first moved here, our ministries overlapped alot more than they do now. That is one of the things I fell in love with, his heart to minister to hurting teens and lead them to Christ, and disciple those who knew Christ. I miss those days. We were doing ministry right along side of each other.

So the dilemma is, that my husband does not feel supported in his ministry. It all started tonight when he mentioned that he already had three leaders/parents lined up for an event taking place next month. He then asked if I would come and chaperone too. I said I didn't know, because that is my day off and I know how much they are needed when working in ministry. He was not happy with this response. I was just being honest and saying the first thing that came to my head. I was not trying to be rude or negative, and I thought we could process it together. We fought, cried and talked through it and what eventually came out is that he was hurt by how quickly I came out defending my time off. He would have loved me to start out saying that "I would love to but,.....". The other thing that came out is that he feels sad that I am not able to completely understand what is going on in the ministry because I am not involved, and because of this he doesn't feel supported. This really breaks my heart. I want to support my husband, I want him to know how honored I am to be his wife. I want to do ministry with him.

I am in the process of figuring out how to do this better. I want to trust in God that he will give me the ability to support my husband and still get the rest I need so I don't get burnt out. My friend AJ told me this would happen, that eventually it would be more important for me to support my husband.

Lord please give me the clarity to know how to support my husband better. Help us to figure out where you are leading us as a couple. He feels that we are going down two different paths, because our passions are different. Mine is still for hurting kids who don't know God, his is for the youth group to flourish and grow stronger in their faith. Before I thought it was a blessing that we had these two ministries, but if he is feeling unsupported, me being a wife is more important than working for a ministry. Right? Please help the answer become clear to me. I want to be a better wife Lord. Please help me to not get to down on myself during failure, but make it strengthen and teach me for the next time. Keep leading me Lord.

Thank you, AMEN!

Our new pup Ponty.

I thought I would introduce Ponty to you all. He is sitting here at work with me today.

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Why I'm here....

Hey everyone! Welcome to this blog. I am here to share with you my thoughts, feelings, experiences, failures and successes about striving to become a woman that is closest to the woman in Proverbs 31. She is describle to be "worth more than rubies." Who doesn't want to be described that beautifully?! Please read Proverbs 31:10-31 to be able to really understand who this woman was. I hope as readers you will be able to see a real honest womans journey in asking God to change her into becoming more like this woman. This endevour is for God, for my husband and for my future children. Please pray with me as I continue on this journey and as I write my thoughts down.

We as wives are called to be a women that encourage our men and not tear them down, we are called to be the light of Christ in our homes, we are called to lean on God to fill our needs and breakaway from societies view that our men are going to fill every dark and sad void in our aching hearts.

Whether you know God or not, I hope this blog will help you as much as I think it will help me process the thoughts and feelings I have day to day. I hope my experiences will help you feel that you are not alone, and I hope that you will share the same with me. :) No one likes to feel alone. 

Thank you for reading!